the back door

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the great reset?

well....here we are. wrapping up 2020. it was quite a year, wasn't it? for the past couple of weeks i've been taking some time to reflect on my word for 2020 and how it shaped the year. the ways it changed me. the ways i failed it. they ways i found a reset. there is no point in rehashing the events of 2020. i mean, it was a year no one will quickly forget, but i had no idea all the ways 2020 would force some resets in my life. i had wanted to reset my spiritual life. that proved interesting when we found ourselves at home on Sunday mornings instead of in church. it proved interesting as church community was displaced. but God... He so clearly showed me that spiritual health happens outside of church walls on Sunday mornings. i experienced growth as i was challenged to seek out how God would want me to respond to Covid, personal rights, the election, racism, hatred, and division. i grew in different ways and found myself resetting my faith and aligning closer to J

a celebration of me

i have this weird mix of emotions when it comes to celebrating me. i don't particularly love to be celebrated publicly, but on my birthday and mother's day i can't be celebrated enough. i know. it's strange. and probably wrong. but it is what it is. as we turned the page to 2020 i set a few intentions. my word for the year is reset and there were areas i new needed a fresh start. as i prayed through those God made it clear i needed to learn to process and deal with disappointment. i have experienced a lot of that, and for some reason, when i'm disappointed it sinks deep into my roots where i begin to believe i'm the sole cause. i'm the sole reason. i alone am to blame. so i've been trying to grapple through those disappointments; trying to name them, confess them and process them for what they are and not just see them as a reflection of me. a certain area of disappointment had created this long list of things i believed to be true of me.

the word...

new year. new decade. new word. i started the habit of choosing a word almost exactly a decade ago. each year the word has evolved and helped shape the year. well, this year is quite likely the exception. or at least i thought it was. my usual yearly reflection takes me on a journey through the year where the word has evolved into something entirely different than the road i envisioned. and usually i am in awe of how God used that word. this year was strange. looking back on the goals i set, i see failure, not awe. now before you go and tell me i am not a failure, i did fail at the goals i set. truly. goal 1: grow and develop in a healthy way. nope. ending the year with extra instead of less. attempted, yet didn't follow through on many health plans. goal 2: grow spiritually through meditation, scripture reading, and community. nope. ending the year with little reading and loss of church community that grieves me deeply. late fall i started pondering thes

lent::flourish

for the past 10 years or so I have personally chosen to participate in lent in some way. lent hadn't been a part of my growing up years and still isn't really a part of our church life, but it has found its way into a part of my own faith journey and each year has been a little different. this year was no exception. so let me back track just a little. last summer i started a weight loss journey with my nurse. she faithfully pushed me, challenged me, weighed me, encouraged me and cheered me on. i remember telling her i'd try her plan, lose 7 and gain back 10. she told me this time would be different. and well, she was right. i lost weight...beyond the 7 pounds. i was ecstatic!!! in december, i knew God had given me the word flourish for 2019. i wrote some goals in my journal about flourish. a section of those goals included my weight, but the holidays snuck in and carbs tempted me. i gave in to the swedish fish during the great polar vortex of 2019. those lit

new year, new word

this tradition of a word of the year has proven to be one of my favorites. the focus it provides. the journey it provides. the revealing of God. this word thing is special. this might be the first time in the past 10 or so years that my word of the year was actually given to me. spoken to me. written to me. gifted to me. and the moment i heard it, read it, received it, i knew. this was my word for 2019. this gift arrived early november as i had just stepped into a part of something that in the past had left me feeling defeated, unwanted, wrong, and confused. but i was willing to try just one more time at her rather persistent encouragement and the gift of new friends. while away that weekend, listening to my friends share their stories, listening to those in small group share their hearts, and being given the time to craft, i knew. i knew that God was whispering "it's time to flourish my child. it is time." flourish: verb to grow

#unhindered2018

most of you know i chose a word of the year. i take that word and weave it into my life and see just where it might lead. as i pondered choosing a word for 2018 i found myself leaving my job of 13 years, my church of 25 years, and the community there i had come to love. i was hurt. i was scared. i was worried. i was sad. incredibly sad. incredibly hurt. mad at myself. defeated. and believing all sorts of things about myself. so as i pondered what 2018 might bring i felt a lot of uncertainty. a lot of questions. a lot of stress. a lot of worry. and for whatever reason i decided unhindered was a good word. i was going to take my problems and turn them into loving others unhindered. and 2018 began. my journey through the year has been a wild, rugged road. it felt like a steep climb that i hoped would someday turn into an amazing view, if i made it. and i honestly felt like giving up so many times. but God decided to show me exactly what He intended when H